Firing Blanks... (I hope)

**** WARNING!!! ****
This blog post contains detailed information relating to vasectomy procedures and may not be suitable for young children. Reader discretion is advised.
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Well, as some of you know, I did the 'deed' yesterday. Some people asked "How was 'that guy'" some people are just curious about the procedure, and some people asked "Why on earth did you go to that guy?" This blog should cover all three questions.

So let's get started: I have two wonderful kids, and now it's time for a vasectomy. My thought process went something like this:

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Brain: Um.. Matt, you've got some great kids.

Me: Thanks Brain.

Brain: No really, your kids are great.. You should have another.

Me: NO WAY! We're done dude.. Done with kids.

Brain: Wow, you're kinda young to give up sex forever.

Me: WHAT?? NO WAY I'm giving up sex either!!!

Brain: Good. Time for a vasectomy then.

Me: (Cry deeply) Suddenly pictures of Mr Woodall in a lazy boy with a bag of frozen peas comes to mind.

Brain: I'm told he was the exception and most people are better a lot sooner.

Me: So let's assume that I'm going to let you go through with this.. Who do you recommend we get to cut on our favorite nads.

Brain: Well.. I've talked to people and....

Me: (Where was I when you were talking to people about this)

Brain: Well.. I've made us an appointment to go see Dr. Stein.

Me: Do I know him?

Brain: Um.. yep.. He's this guy:
(CLICK HERE)

Me: (Clicks link) Oh HECK NO! That's the Billboard Guy!

Brain: Well he's done a LOT of those procedures.

Me: How many?

Brain: About 21,000.

Me: You don't have to tell me that there are 21,000 idiots in the state. I knew that.

Brain: But he doesn't use needles or scalpels.

Me: How the heck does that work?

Brain: (sigh) Click this link

Me: Um hummm.. Where is his office?

Brain: His office is in Tampa, but he goes all over the state.

Me: Nice, a traveling vasectomy doctor.. Suddenly a picture of an old VW Van with the word "Vasektomy" spray painted on the side comes to mind..

Brain: No, he goes to doctors offices and clinics.

Me: Clinics?

Brain: Yeah, but we don't go to Planned Parenthood Clinics. So I've set you an appointment for his office in Tampa...

Me: You've lost your mind.

Brain: You're a chicken..

Me: Idiot

Brain: Wuss.

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So, to recap, I picked Dr. Stein for two reasons. The main reason being that he has done almost 22 thousand vasectomies. The second reason, I have a fear of needles and scalpels, neither of which he uses.

We leave early, just in case we run into traffic. Smart. I don't want to be late. But since no traffic was a hindrance (Thanks Aunt Bobbie and Uncle James!) We arrived an hour early. We pull around the parking lot of the medical center (Which reminded me of the 720 bldg in Gainesville) and see a guy walking out like he just had a very harsh 15 hour horseback ride.

Fear sets in.... Fear and Trembling.

But I will not turn back now.. After all, Uncle James is with me and he would never let me live it down if I did.

We find the office and I let the office staff know that I'm there early. If they can fit me in early that's great, otherwise, we'll be glad to wait.

Well, 5 minutes later they call me back. (note, this is now 55 minutes prior to my appt. time).

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At this point, if you are in the slightest bit squeamish, I advise you to turn back.. I will be discussing in detail information regarding "Mr. P and the Boys".
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I sign the forms that I filled out on the internet and joke around with the office staff. The excessively friendly lady tosses me an athletic support (which is a lot nicer to say than "jock strap").

I ask "I need to try this on?"

"No hun, You need to put that on.. jock-strap, underwear, pants. "

So I do as I'm told then sit down in a chair next to the door where 'the procedure' takes place. Through the door, I hear the small-talk taking place while Dr. Stein cuts another random guy.

The other guy walks out.. takes a huge sigh.. hobbles a bit.. then takes some firm steps and is on his way. My turn.

I shake hands with the Doc and we go back. Dr. Stein is very friendly, he asks why I didn't go to Gainesville or Jacksonville. We discuss my aversion to planned parenthood (which I feel is not a good start to this procedure and I move to change the subject). He tells me to drop my pants, underwear and "scrotal support" as he chooses to call it. Stand on a step, and lie back onto the bed..

So there I am..

Pants around my knees, lying on an examination table while a random guy with whom I just met and argued politics, checking out my nads.

So.. Let's get to the procedure:

Step one: he takes some kind of lasso and places it around the top of "Mr P." the lasso is attached to a bungee cord which is clipped to my shirt. That was a bit awkward.

So just to catch you up in case you missed that.. I have my pants around my ankles, lying on an examination table, and my penis is now clipped to my shirt. (gulp)

He cleans the area with alcohol (about half a standard bottle) and then covers me with an excessive amount of betadine.

Then he says that I will feel a sensation above each of the 'boys' that feels like getting popped by a rubber band. And that's about what it felt like.. Really big, sturdy, rubber bands, but it wasn't too bad at all. He hit me twice above each "boy" and we moved onto the next step.

Now at this point, I had no interest in watching the show. I become a bit light-headed during medical procedures, especially those done on me. So I leaned back and noticed he had a TV in the ceiling. It was playing that old series "Animusic" (Click here). But the entertainment really wasn't necessary. Dr. Stein kept me talking the whole time. Asking questions about my family, my job, college, and was very friendly and professional throughout.

I did feel him 'messing around' down there, but I didn't know anything he was doing and I liked it that way. Just a bit of tugging and pulling and maybe a slight "pinch" here and there. Nothing horrible by any means. The only time I knew what he was doing was when he cauterized the vas-tubes. I noticed a "burning flesh" smell.

The entire procedure from "Drop your pants" to "Okay, now you can pull up your pants" took about 8 to 10 minutes and was relatively painless.

The office staff who I had been joking with earlier gave me a lollipop because I was "a good boy" and placed it in my 'goody bag', which contained a Pen, a mini-flashlight, instructions, two Tylenol, and a mailing envlope and container to mail them a "sample" in 8 weeks so they can be sure that everything 'took'.

We left the office 40 minutes before when my appointment was supposed to occur. We were on the interstate back home when my appointment time came up.

For anyone that is having this done, I would actually recommend Dr. Stein, he was very professional, friendly, and seemed very proficient.

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As for today:

I'm a little tender, but not in a lot of pain. Nothing that some Tylenol every 4 hours can't handle. Tomorrow I'll be back to work. I have no swelling and I'm only in pain when I move.

I'm still 'hobbling around' a bit but what do I expect? I just had a vasectomy.

It's a Conspiracy.

******** WARNING... This blog post contains graphic information regarding baby poo... if you find this type of information offensive, I suggest you go find something else to read. You obviously don't have kids either. Or a backbone... ******************


Yep, she's out to get me. Yes, my lovely little girl. That sweet precious baby, Lily. She's not working alone either, I believe that my wife (who I love and adore) and my dearest daughter are conspiring against me.

You might ask "Matthew, how could you say such a thing??". Well, I'm going to go over the events of this morning (which is more or less a typical morning) and you can decide.

Lily does not yet sleep through the night. I don't expect her to by any means. She's still very young and the thought of those two big juicy steaks that mommy carries around on the front of her chest is a little tempting for young lily to resist for too long a period of time. As a result, my dearest wife (whom I love and adore) feeds young lily.

After my dear Lily is well fed and in that calm, relaxed, near catatonic state that only warm milk and boobies can provide; it is time to wake her up and change her diaper.

At this point, I am probably still asleep, enjoying some of that exceptional 3-6 am REM sleep that the doctors on the internet say is the best thing since sliced bread.

Until the jab. And not one jab, several jabs. Please don't confuse this with a "honey, wake up", or a gentle shaking, or even a nice poke.. No, this is the Two-fingered jab of death, right to the rib-cage. The kind that you would get from the bully in middle-school.

After singing my new favorite tune: "ow ow ow.. okay I'm awake". I drag myself out of the warm bed to change Lily.

Now, let's stop and try to look at this whole incident from Lily's perspective.

It's the middle of the night.
It's nice and dark, you've got a belly full of warm milk. You're asleep, and a huge, groggy, hairy dude, picks you up, places you on a hard changing mattress, points a bright light at you, removes your clothes from the waist down and begins to rub your nether-regions with slightly less than warm wet paper towels.

Not a good thing. And being a guy and at work all day, I'm not nearly as good at this as her mother (who I love and adore) is.

You could understand the whole process is slightly traumatic to our poor Lily. But she doesn't get mad, she gets even. No, she doesn't bust out with the "Two-fingered jab of death". She doesn't even throw up on me or scream her head off. Nope. It's poopin' time.


She opens fire. Remember when the Death Star blew up Alderan? Just like that, only with Poo. This particular morning, she shot a stream of liquid green poo about 3 feet. (I did warn you).

Now, I went James' entire "diaper years" without being pooped on once, but my dear Lily hits me about 3 days a week. I try to be quick, but I believe she holds it up until she feels that cold air on her hind quarters before she opens fire on me.

So, I'm aggravated, there's liquid green poo all over me and all over everything in the 'line of fire' I manage to hand (now smiling and clean) baby Lily over to my dear wife (who I love and adore). As I walk out of the room to get myself cleaned up I hear in her best 'googly voice': "It aggrivates your daddy sooo much when you do that.. Yes it does.. It does sweet little girl."

Yep... They're out to get me..

I just know it.

Meet Brain..

Me: I should really start a blog.

Brain: Um, that wouldn't be a very practical idea. You don't have time to write or keep up a blog.

Me: Pssshhh.. Quit being a stick in the mud, Blogs are fun!

Brain: Okay, have it your way then.. Write something....

Me: Okay.. I'll write about.. um... ...

Brain: Go on.. Write about what?

Me: Um... I dunno.. Stuff..

Brain: /sarcasm/ I can see this going well.

Me: Quit that..

Brain: Okay, since you seem stuck on this idea of a blog, maybe you should start with an introduction post. Maybe say something about yourself, what you plan to accomplish with your blog and finish by saying something profound that will convince people to read and follow your ramblings.

Me: Huh? You're making this complicated.

Brain: Sometimes I wonder how you're able to tie your shoes in the morning.

Me: What? Don't you help with that?

Brain: No way, I normally sleep till about 8:30 or 9. You keep me up too late at night playing Warcraft.

Me: Oh yeah, that's right.. Speaking of which, we should go run some dungeons toni...

Brain: HEY! Blog.. Focus.. Pay attention..

Me: Okay, but I can blog about Warcraft, right?

Brain: Not all the time.. That would get boring. And your wife probably wouldn't read it..

Me: Oh.. right, good point. I like her. . She's pretty.. /drool ..

Brain: /facepalm... Let's focus about what kind of introduction you're interested in.

Me: HI! I'm Matt!!!!

Brain: That's it? Wow.. Interesting. Not going to mention anything about your amazing wife and two near-perfect children? Maybe that you just graduated college and should be taking the Professional Surveyor License Exam in a couple of months? Maybe include what you like to do or something..

Me: ..... Yep..

Brain: Grrr... Once again I'm going to end up doing all the work. How often do you plan to write in this blog of yours?

Me: Um..

Brain: Have you put much thought into this? You're putting something on the internet that you actually expect people to read.

Me: Hey, Kevin says that Bloggers are Emo..

Brain: Can you stay focused on one topic at a time please?

Me: But I don't want to be accused of being Emo.

Brain: Well some bloggers are, just keep the poetry and song lyrics to a minimum and you should be fine.

Me: There once was a man from nantucket...

Brain: NO POETRY!

Me: Oh, sorry.

Brain: /sigh This is really a horrible idea. Do you have ANYTHING to say that might make someone want to read this?

Me: I'm hungry..

Brain: You're hopeless.